Monday, September 20, 2010
Hollywood, California, Los Angeles...September 2010. Just another night out in this city. It is really a crazy place.. I mean, it draws the best and the worst out in people. I want to condemn it about half as much as I want to embrace it.
I don't even know where to begin. Growing up on the East Coast, this place seemed like such a pinnacle of culture, an unrestrained source of raw enthusiasm. A decade since, and neither of those things have been proven untrue, but certainly this much can be said; they are warped far more than I would ever have expected. Going out and being a part of the background of this madness, it becomes easy to get sucked up into all that is wrong (and really, right) about all of this. I can't stress it enough, and therefore I repeat myself. As much as it's a godforsaken mess out here, that is what really draws me to it.
As I get older, I try to wrap myself in what seems to "matter" - being a part of the landscape but also being true to my humble origins. That gets easier and harder as time passes, because the further I get, the less I want to be bound by whatever has defined me from "before." I want to just be a rogue, I want to be free, this town relishes that and celebrates it and I want to do the same. But.. it is hard to completely shun your programming.
In a sad, twisted way, I look forward to the day when I reach the "point of no return," when I just honestly can see the forest for the trees and I just do not care anymore. It sounds so nice, to release, to let go and give up and give in, and enjoy all that is good and all that is bad of everything around me, just like everyone else does. To embrace being a person, an asshole, a free spirit. I often wonder "what am I capable of" and once in awhile I stare it in the face and it brings me joy and shame all at once.
I am tired of making apologies. I am a person, a Man. I work so hard, I am true to what I want, how I feel and the hell with anyone who disagrees with my philosophy. I won't damn them, but I will disregard them and go forward and try my best to uphold that philosophy.